I agree with the Words of Tao that we need to sit with ourselves. Not scrolling or searching or flipping channels. Sometimes when I try to do this, all I see are the carpet stains from grandbaby spills. Then I start to think perhaps I should get the carpet cleaned. And why not the curtains too. Then I distinctly remember 30 odd years ago being dead tired and picking up toddler toys and thinking someday I will miss this when they’re gone. And boy was I right.
Other times when I just sit with myself, I think about who I am now without a full time career and a partner. Who was I before all this–an executive with big teams and a mountain of accountabilities. A caretaker to my husband who had prostate cancer for about 10 years before passing from complications. There was so much to be done and I had a sense of accomplishment amidst the utter exhaustion. It reminds me of Mattering | The Book — Jennifer B. Wallace that I recently started reading. I definitely felt I mattered when leading and caring and worrying and striving. But it’s less clear now. There’s a line in the book by a widow about how different it is when there is not that person thinking about you every day, wondering what your day will be like, when you’ll be home, ready to talk about your day. Your grown children cannot provide this, they have their own days and partners and babies to tend to.
One thing I have discovered is I am definitely more quirky than I expressed all those years. I had to be buttoned up and polished at work and organized and ready for the worst at home. Now this quirkiness comes out, sometimes rushes out, sometimes at the most inappropriate times. Sitting with myself means I am thinking more about that and what it means. I am not sure there are sufficient outlets for us quirky dames. My friends are the daily recipients and without them I would definitely be a restrained and frustrated mess.
So with that backdrop I want to list out the things I think we need to work on. Once you read this, you can let me know what I have wrong or what is missing.
- Aimlessness, lack of focus, inability to finish a project
- Shopping too much, using it as a salve and then being full of regret
- Finding friends who support your efforts to be the best you can be for yourself and each other
- Spending time with children and grandchildren and helping but also having boundaries that protect everyone
- Filling days with fun and productive and meaningful projects and activities that leave you gratified and good-tired at the end of the day
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